You Can’t Fix a Man by Shaming Him — Here’s What He Really Needs

What is Shame? (And Why So Many Men Hide It)

Shame is one of those things most of us feel but rarely talk about. It’s that quiet, heavy feeling that whispers, “There’s something wrong with you,” or “You’re not good enough.” It’s not like guilt. Guilt is when you feel bad about something you did — like “I made a mistake.” But shame goes deeper. Shame says, “I am the mistake.”

For a lot of men, shame is tied to the pressure to always be strong, in control, and never show weakness. From a young age, we’re taught to “man up,” to just get on with it, to keep our emotions to ourselves. So when life hits hard — whether that’s in work, relationships, or our mental health — many of us stay silent. Instead of opening up, we cover it up. We bury it, joke about it, lash out, or numb ourselves with distractions.

Here are some straightforward quotes and definitions from people many men look up to or can relate to. They help explain what shame really is and how it shows up in everyday life.

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we’re flawed and unworthy of love and belonging.”
— Brené Brown
(She’s worked with athletes, soldiers, and leaders — men who look tough on the outside but often carry hidden pain.)

“Shame is the root of all addictions. It’s the lie that says, ‘You’re not enough.’”
— John Bradshaw
(If you’ve ever struggled with drink, porn, gambling, or overworking, this probably hits home.)

“Men are shamed for needing help, for having feelings, for not being in control. Shame is what keeps us locked in the ‘man box.’”
— Terry Real
(He’s a therapist who’s worked with thousands of men and knows exactly how shame hides behind anger and silence.)

“Shame is a soul-eating emotion.”
— Carl Jung
(Short, sharp, and painfully true.)

“Shame tells us we don’t deserve love, success or peace. It’s a lie — but we believe it.”
— Lewis Howes
(A former pro athlete who now speaks honestly about mental health, masculinity, and the masks men wear.)

“The deepest pain in addiction is shame — that feeling of being unlovable.”
— Dr Gabor Maté
(A doctor who’s spent decades working with people struggling with trauma and addiction.)

The truth is, shame doesn’t always look like shame. It often shows up as stress, anger, withdrawal, people-pleasing, or needing to always be “the strong one.” It convinces us to stay quiet, to not ask for help, to keep pretending everything’s fine — even when we’re falling apart inside. But the more we avoid shame, the more power it has over us.

Why did evolution develop shame

Shame isn’t just an emotional glitch or something we pick up from childhood. From an evolutionary point of view, it actually served an important purpose. It helped early humans survive, stay safe, and stay part of the group — which, back then, meant everything.

In the early days of human life, being part of a tribe or community wasn’t optional — it was life or death. You needed the group to protect you, to hunt, to raise children, and to survive illness or injury. If you did something that risked your place in the group — like stealing, being violent, or breaking trust — you were at risk of being rejected or left behind. Shame developed as a kind of built-in warning system. It said, “Be careful — your place here is at risk.”

Shame helped people stick to the rules of the group. Long before we had laws or written codes, communities relied on shared values. When someone stepped out of line, shame kicked in — not just emotionally but physically too. Think about it: when you feel ashamed, you might look down, your face might flush, your body might shrink. These physical reactions signalled to others, “I know I’ve messed up. I regret it.” That made it easier for people to reconnect or make things right, instead of being punished or cast out.

It also helped build trust. In any group, people needed to know they could rely on one another. Shame helped shape behaviour, encouraging people to act fairly and think about others. Over time, those who felt shame and changed their behaviour were more likely to be accepted and supported, while those who didn’t feel any shame were often seen as dangerous and pushed out.

The core of it all is this: shame is tied to our need to belong. Humans are social creatures. We’ve always needed connection. So when shame shows up, it’s not just about the moment — it’s tapping into something deep and ancient. It tells us we’re at risk of disconnection, even if we logically know we’re safe.

The challenge today is that our brains still react to shame like we’re back in the Stone Age. We still fear rejection — but now it’s more about not being successful enough, strong enough, attractive enough, or emotionally “in control.” That same ancient alarm system is firing off, even when we’re not actually in danger. And for men, who’ve been taught to hide their feelings and always seem “sorted,” the shame can run deep — and often stay hidden.

Understanding where shame comes from helps take away some of its power. It’s not weakness. It’s human. And it's been hardwired into us for thousands of years. It is interesting reflecting on shame, because I believe shame is one of the most ignored and misunderstood emotions men carry — and one of the most powerful tools society uses to control us. It’s not always obvious, but it’s everywhere. From a young age, boys are shamed into “acting like men.” Don’t cry. Don’t be soft. Don’t talk about your feelings. Then as adults, we’re shamed for not opening up, not being emotionally available, or not doing enough.

Society uses shame like a weapon — to make men behave, to fit in, to perform. We’re shamed if we don’t earn enough. We’re shamed if we don’t take responsibility fast enough. We’re shamed if we get something wrong in fatherhood, relationships, or work. But here’s the issue: shame doesn’t lead to growth — it leads to hiding. It doesn’t make a man want to do better; it makes him want to disappear.

When you shame a man, especially publicly or in a way that hits his core, you don’t correct his behaviour — you trigger his defences. He might shut down. He might lash out. He might ghost everyone. Or he might pretend like nothing bothers him, while quietly falling apart. Shame rarely brings reflection or accountability. Instead, it brings distance. Silence. Escape.

A lot of men have learned that the safest way to deal with shame is to run — either emotionally or physically. They avoid the conversation. They bury themselves in work, distractions, or addictions. They cut people off, or they become emotionally unavailable. It’s not because they don’t care — it’s because they’ve never been taught how to face shame without losing their sense of worth.

If we really want men to grow, take responsibility, and show up — we need to stop shaming them and start helping them feel safe enough to be honest. Shame might control behaviour in the short term, but in the long run, it keeps men stuck. And a stuck man can’t become who he’s meant to be.

The Opposite of Shaming Men

If shame shuts a man down, the opposite is what opens him up — respect, empathy, and invitation.

Instead of tearing him down for where he’s failed, it’s about creating a space where he can own his mistakes without feeling like he’s being humiliated or labelled as broken. Most men already know where they’ve messed up. What they often don’t know is how to come back from it — how to apologise, how to reconnect, how to move forward without losing dignity.

When you meet a man with curiosity instead of judgement — “What’s really going on here?” — you make it easier for him to be honest. When you challenge him from a place of respect — “I know you’re better than this” — it can stir something in him that shame never could. It reminds him that he still has value, even if he’s struggling.

Encouragement isn’t about making excuses. It’s about reminding a man that he’s capable of taking responsibility — not because he’s being forced to, but because something inside him wants to rise, to make things right, to lead, to love better. That’s far more powerful than trying to shame him into submission.

In truth, most men don’t need another lecture or another reminder of where they’ve fallen short. What they need is someone to believe that change is possible, that the story isn’t over yet, and that strength isn’t about perfection — it’s about showing up, especially after a fall.

The opposite of shame isn’t softness — it’s strength with compassion. And for a lot of men, that’s the thing they never got growing up. It’s also the very thing that helps them grow up.

How Therapy Can Help with Shame

Therapy gives men something they rarely get anywhere else — a space where they don’t have to perform, impress, or defend themselves. It’s one of the few places where a man can lay it all down without being judged, mocked, or made to feel weak. And that’s exactly what shame needs in order to lose its grip — a safe space.

In therapy, a man can begin to name the shame he’s been carrying, sometimes for years. Shame often hides under anger, withdrawal, perfectionism, or even jokes — and many men don’t even realise how much it’s been shaping their lives. Therapy helps to unpick that. To slow things down. To get under the surface.

What’s powerful is that the therapist isn’t there to fix him or shame him into change — they’re there to walk beside him, ask the right questions, and challenge him with care. Over time, this helps a man learn that he can face his shame without being destroyed by it. That he can take responsibility without being crushed. That he can be vulnerable and still be respected.

Therapy also helps rebuild the parts that shame has damaged: confidence, self-respect, connection with others. It can shift the inner voice from “I’m not good enough” to “I’ve made mistakes, but I’m growing.” That shift might sound small — but it’s life-changing.

For many men, therapy isn’t about talking endlessly about childhood or emotions they don’t understand. It’s about learning how to face their truth, hold themselves accountable in a healthier way, and build a life they’re actually proud of — not one that’s based on shame, guilt, or fear of being found out.

In short, therapy doesn’t take away shame overnight. But it teaches men how to face it differently — and for many, that changes everything.

Cassim

Male Minds Counselling